The Urge to Destroy

/ Sirius Bizinus
Image courtesy of Stockvault.

Image courtesy of Stockvault.

With depression, one of the things I always have to look out for is destroying important things I’ve made. It’s been a habit of mine since I was at least 8. I get rid of things like I’m jettisoning useful garbage.

What I don’t get rid of are the things I should be getting rid of.

Considering the past year I’ve had, I am concerned because I shouldn’t have had to go through such problems. When they hit, it means that I’m going through an episode. When they hit for a while, it means I’m going through an extended episode. The problem with all of this is that since I want to try to create things to sell to people (stories, to be specific), I’m constantly having to fight the urge to delete what I create.

Perhaps I’ve been making small capitulations to this destructive side of myself. Rather than delete the longer works I’ve labored on, I simply don’t create elsewhere. It’s been useful to my depressive mindset because it allows me to punish myself. After all, I can’t sell books without a social media presence, and I’m not doing all of what I could be to expand that presence. Since I’m trying to do it under my real name, I have every excuse to just not be productive.

Ultimately, this state of affairs can’t hold. Either I get past the anxiety and fear and just throw myself out there, or I drown. Regardless, I need to stop destroying things before they even start.

6 thoughts on “The Urge to Destroy”

  2. Send your stories to me, in an email that says DO NOT OPEN. I promise I won’t look. Then, if you delete everything you have and change your mind, as long as I’m alive they’ll be safe.
    Try not to beat yourself up over not being as productive as you could be. Most of us sabotage our happiness for fear of success or failure. And when you’re doing something like writing, the lack of a schedule does wonders for procrastination. I understand you have more than this going on, but know it’s a common thing for anyone to struggle with on top of that.

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  5. I can’t count the amount of times I’ve put a fist through a canvas. Art is hard, I wouldn’t beat yourself up over productivity. Also, maybe you just don’t like what you’re writing, and I’ve found no matter what mood if something is good then you work on it. If it doesn’t then maybe it wasn’t a good idea. Maybe you’re destroying your work for a reasons that are hard to understand at the moment.

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