I didn’t always know that I lacked the ability to trust people. For the longest time, I probably lived my life completely oblivious to it. Sure, I relied on people for certain things, but it’s not the same as trusting them. Everyone I know gets held at arm’s length. Hell, even with the anonymity on this blog, I don’t always trust everything about it. Everything I disclose gets scrutinized with the question: how will this get used against me later on?
Not trusting anyone builds a kind of isolation that takes effort and practice to overcome – theoretically at least. I have to say that because I haven’t surmounted that obstacle. It’s an invisible wall that nobody knows is there. People I know might not even know it’s there because I keep it well hidden. People who might suspect it’s there have no clue exactly why it’s there.
I’ve spent years searching for the origins of this. Like many of the other breaks in my brain, it’s come about due to a myriad of problems. Death by a thousand cuts is a fair way of putting it. Many of those cuts are self-inflicted. When a mind looks for ways that others can let you down, that’s all it looks for.