Hijacked By Prayer

This past week I’ve finally completed the rough draft on a short story I’ve been working on for a couple of months. My goal is to try to sell it, because it’s a step in a positive direction in my life. I haven’t had an income for many years now. Any progress is a huge win for me.

A couple days ago, I was told that some people had been praying for me, specifically to help me write. Although it was offered as a sort of encouragement, I didn’t receive it as such. Fortunately I was able to politely change the subject, but the damage was already done. From there on out, if I produce something, religious people in my life are going to tell me it’s an invisible friend helping me along. If I don’t, there’s going to be some sort of personal failing on my part.

This is still a sore subject for me, I’ve discovered.
The whole purpose of me trying to sell a short story is to try to start believing in myself. If I’m being completely honest, one of the reasons I’m blocked on a novel I’m close to finishing is because I have to regularly convince myself that I don’t write complete shit. Growing up in a religious household has provided me with ample opportunities to tear my self worth down and replace it with nothing.

Prayer is a pretty obvious vehicle for this. It’s so easy to just believe I can’t accomplish anything on my own, that some invisible force must be the font of all that’s good in my life. Instead of getting encouragement from people, I’m going to get assurances that I can’t take full credit for whatever I do. I’m still a worthless piece of shit that’s produced nothing of value. How dare I think I can do otherwise.

The remedy for overcoming this isn’t easy, either.
I’ve got a few options. One is that I can argue with people who decide I’m incapable of putting words together in an entertaining fashion. A second is that I can try to ignore everyone who thinks Jesus (or any other deity for that matter) is my ghostwriter. Another is that I can try to stop feeling robbed every time a person makes the attempt.

The last one is the one I’d like the most, but it’s the hardest to achieve. A rational part of me questions why I need to get upset at all. It shouldn’t matter what they believe; my beliefs on my own abilities are what need to change and improve. They cannot rob me of my self-esteem if I do not give it away.

This is such a difficult thing to remember, especially in an environment where I’m around people who insist otherwise. People who try to break me with prayer sometimes do so intentionally. One very real goal of the faithful is to let a target know the pressure is on. The thinking is that not only will this magical wish come true, but that it serves as an excuse for any other idea that might encourage bending the knee to an invisible friend.

That said, I feel that I must insist on the idea that I cannot be hijacked if I do not give it away. I am not the puppet of some cosmic sentience with a human snow globe. There isn’t any hard evidence people can point to that demonstrates their wishes grant a divine effect on reality.

And that shall have to be enough for now.

12 thoughts on “Hijacked By Prayer

  1. Next time some one mentions praying for your writing, ask them to add to the prayer for an angel or deity that can spell and has good proof reading skills as you are dang tired of correcting the mistakes made by your heavenly helpers”. If they look surprised launch into a total rift about the failings of heavenly help and the need for heaven to get better writers if they are going to insist on trying to help out. It could really open their eyes and it shows you are the one writing as you have to correct the deity’s bad writing habits. OR hey you could just say your sorry but the last time heaven helped out, it took years to get all the old middle ages language out of the writing. Be well. Hugs

    Liked by 4 people

    • Oh no, the book isn’t finished. I finished a short story I intend to sell. The book is still close to completion, but so far away. I’m considering working on it next month. If I wasn’t so afraid that it might actually sell, or that it will flop and be a paragon of awful writing, I’d have it done by now.

      And the smile that comes to my face when prayers get offered is probably closer to Punch’s.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. You know, I think a lot of times people say they’ll pray when they don’t know what to say. Honestly, I don’t think many of them actually follow through. The few sincere ones I know are genuinely trying to help. I try to concentrate on that, but it can be a sort spot for me too.

    As far as your writing, all the best! May the publishers recognize all that you have to offer.

    Liked by 1 person

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