Keeping My Mind In Neutral

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I finally submitted a short story for publication. My first.

It’s supposed to be a positive step, but I’m conflicted. My mind won’t stop considering how this changes things, how my world is not going to be the same. Every permutation of every different outcome is not welcome.

What if I get rejected? It’s not a surprise. Many writers submit to magazines and other publishers. Editors must cull the weak stories and cover letters from piles of prose, whittling down the field to a manageable size. Good stories can be discarded for no other reason than the editor just didn’t feel like reading another story that day. Maybe the beginning was too boring. Or maybe the writing is just offensive to the senses.

What if the story gets accepted? I’ll get paid. That money needs to get taxed. It won’t be enough for anything except maybe a token purchase. At the rate I’d get paid, I’d have to write about 30 million more words just to get out of debt.

Nobody cares about short stories, it seems. I like them. I’m actually behind on purchasing all the short stories I’d like to buy. Not to mention subscriptions, and newsletters, and an oil change for my car, and buying something as simple as a new shirt.

While all of this goes on, I feel my brain switching gears. It goes from panic and inundation of thoughts to self-loathing. This is such a disappointment. Years of therapy and drugs don’t stop this from happening. All it does is slow the burn. I’m given enough time to pull the fuse out before the dynamite explodes.

There are times where I wish I could fall asleep and just not wake up. It’s been a hope of mine for many years now. The anxiety feeds the depression, which feeds something else.

What I want in life right now is not enough money to support myself, or dignity, or anything like that. All I want is to have my mind in neutral, not good or bad. So that’s where I’ll have to go.


8 thoughts on “Keeping My Mind In Neutral

  1. Curious, apart from here (non-fiction), have you ever considered writing about that “something else”? Write what you know, they say. Who ‘they’ are, I don’t know.

    And here’s hoping your story gets picked up. May I ask which mag you submitted it to?

    Liked by 2 people

  2. You write so nonchalantly about your mindset that sometimes it’s difficult to grasp the depths of what you’re feeling.

    You most definitely have a talent for writing. In its purest form, you know how to put words together to share what you’re thinking/feeling. I do hope you get positive feedback from your submission but for all the reasons you stated, it may never come. Nonetheless, keep writing. Keep sharing. And most of all … just keep keeping on. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Congratulations S.B. You have done something many aspire to but most fail to reach. You deserve the praise just for finishing your story and submitting it. I hope it is published and that you have many more. All 30 million words and more. Hugs


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