Determination, or Folly?

As of late, I’ve been working on a lot of different projects while struggling with the commensurate negative thinking that entails. While I’ve submitted two short stories for publication, neither has been accepted yet, so I don’t have anything which helps me gainsay that quibbling voice in my head. All I have is what feels like diminished determination in writing.

The struggles have been exhaustive, so I haven’t had the time to pop by here. Looking over my site, I realized I hadn’t posted anything since last year. I’d meant to post something on New Year’s Day, but that never happened. Being busy is supposed to help me keep my mind off things, but it’s not worked.

That’s one of the things I’ve noticed is different from when I used to get depressed. At some point, I’d be able to distract myself away from it, at least for a moment. Nowadays, everything I do is a possible reminder of what a shitty person I’ve become. When I try to get back to working on anything, I hear this doubt that I’m just delaying the inevitable.

I don’t know if what I’m doing is good or bad or worse. Making that decision has always led to terrible consequences for me. Maybe instead of trying to figure out if my life has some sort of value, I might want to consider trying to just possess it. Value only has meaning when something is being exchanged. I cannot exchange my life, so it is pointless to keep giving it some arbitrary value.

All of that said, I didn’t get into writing this post to be another mental health sojourn. I suppose that can’t be avoided, since most of my life is dedicated to wellness these days.