Determination, or Folly?

As of late, I’ve been working on a lot of different projects while struggling with the commensurate negative thinking that entails. While I’ve submitted two short stories for publication, neither has been accepted yet, so I don’t have anything which helps me gainsay that quibbling voice in my head. All I have is what feels like diminished determination in writing.

The struggles have been exhaustive, so I haven’t had the time to pop by here. Looking over my site, I realized I hadn’t posted anything since last year. I’d meant to post something on New Year’s Day, but that never happened. Being busy is supposed to help me keep my mind off things, but it’s not worked.

That’s one of the things I’ve noticed is different from when I used to get depressed. At some point, I’d be able to distract myself away from it, at least for a moment. Nowadays, everything I do is a possible reminder of what a shitty person I’ve become. When I try to get back to working on anything, I hear this doubt that I’m just delaying the inevitable.

I don’t know if what I’m doing is good or bad or worse. Making that decision has always led to terrible consequences for me. Maybe instead of trying to figure out if my life has some sort of value, I might want to consider trying to just possess it. Value only has meaning when something is being exchanged. I cannot exchange my life, so it is pointless to keep giving it some arbitrary value.

All of that said, I didn’t get into writing this post to be another mental health sojourn. I suppose that can’t be avoided, since most of my life is dedicated to wellness these days.

10 thoughts on “Determination, or Folly?

  1. I second Scottie! You’ve become an awesome friend to me as I’ve begun my blogging journey. As a super-busy single mom with two jobs (and now starting college again), I often struggle to find the time to read everyone’s blog posts. I do try to make sure I have something written every week, but I feel guilty that I can’t read more. It’s hard to win, isn’t it? All we can do is the best we can do. 🙂

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  2. We got your back. Just glad you show up now and then. As far as shitty, if that’s what you got roll with it for now. No worries man SB. Your part of our team and value your input. Even the snarky ones. Lol

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  3. I can only take a few rejections (from anywhere) then I retreat back into my little shell and try and shower myself with self love for a few days until I feel ready to come back out.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. “I cannot exchange my life, so it is pointless to keep giving it some arbitrary value.”
    I like that. You can’t keep on thinking your life is valuable because you are an accomplished writer or have a certain title or whatever the world values these days. It’s okay and even desirable to be productive. But your life is always immensely valuable because it is your own, and the only life you will live. YOLO. Good luck SB

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  5. Oh my goodness. You seem to have tied yourself in knots. There are times to examine one’s life with an internal focus (How do I feel?) and then also with an external focus (Did I get that story written?). I have found that paying attention to both simultaneously is very helpful to keeping an even keel.

    Our brains are designed to feed our imaginations. For example, the love of my life has a short-term stomach disorder and when she was worshiping the porcelain throne she has the thought “If I have to go to the hospital, who will take care of our new puppy?” and then “If I died, who would take care of our new puppy?” Clearly these are not things one can do anything about while vomiting, but our thoughts come to us so we can exercise our imaginations and prepare for the future and make good decisions in the now. If one were to dwell, or worse, obsess on such thoughts, little good could come from them. If one were to ignore such thoughts, bad things might happen. It seems that some sort of balance needs to exist between our inner and outer lives. I try to achieve this balance in real time.

    While writing this I that a number of thoughts: “Will this help?”, and of course the usual “Who am I to offer advice?” The last thought gets swept away backhanded as it is almost never helpful.

    I do hope something you receive today does help.

    On Fri, Jan 19, 2018 at 4:56 PM, Amusing Nonsense wrote:

    > Sirius Bizinus posted: “As of late, I’ve been working on a lot of > different projects while struggling with the commensurate negative thinking > that entails. While I’ve submitted two short stories for publication, > neither has been accepted yet, so I don’t have anything which help” >

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