New Meds, New BS

Image credit: Jonathan Harris.
Image courtesy of Stockvault.

I got put on Zoloft earlier this month, a high dosage. It’s kicking my ass. My stomach is doing all kinds of stuff, none of which is pleasant. Things got bad yesterday. I had to leave my sister’s wedding reception early because I was losing my struggle with feeling sick. Most of the day I was able to pretend to be in high spirits, although most of that was due to me being happy for my sister. When I left, I was just hoping I wasn’t going to ruin things by getting sick in front of everyone.

Today’s not been much better. I feel nauseous, and had to force myself to eat something. That only made things worse. So far, I’ve lost about 7 pounds (about 3 kilos) while on this stuff. I know I should be hungry and eat something, but I’m afraid of what’s going to happen if I do.

For all that it’s doing to me, I don’t feel like it’s doing enough for my depression. If it was just up to me, I’d stop taking it despite the ensuing bad episodes that would follow. Right now, I feel terrible that I wasn’t able to make it another hour to the end of the reception. I feel terrible because I couldn’t really talk about why I was quiet and withdrawn while seeing family I hadn’t seen in years. And I feel terrible because I couldn’t be present when people needed it.