The last few weeks have been a mental roller coaster. I’m still on it, but the ride has smoothed out a little bit. There’s no indication the ride will be anything but tumultuous. Guarantees on the future are in short supply these days.
Last month, I had an appointment with the doctor. I was pretty nervous going into it. I was ready to fight them on the issue of unnecessary drug testing. Turns out it was a lot of worrying about nothing. The subject never came up, and it looks like the policy on testing had changed. However, I’m still worried about having to fight over what I need for my mental health versus what the doctor and clinic might provide. What it means is that my trust with them isn’t restored. I have no idea if anything can repair the damage. Right now it’s an unnecessary worry, so I’m doing my best to ignore it.
I’m also going to be seeing a new therapist. The previous one told me she was leaving. We only had two sessions. Now I’m scheduled with whoever replaces her, I suppose. I really don’t know. The therapy clinic hasn’t told me anything. Not knowing is something that bothers me on some level. Even if I do get a satisfactory replacement, I’m not guaranteed that person will stick around.
Personally, I’m trying to figure out how to deal with an always-changing world. It’s not just conflicts with mental health providers and holding onto an ephemeral sanity. Some of my interpersonal relationships have suffered. I’m walling myself off. I want to say that it’s been necessary. I have to say that these are old habits that don’t do anything for me.
It’s not all bad news.
My first year of amateur gardening has been a success. So far I’ve gathered enough peppers to try fermenting my own hot sauce. I’ve gathered seeds to use next year. Right now I can say I’ve learned enough to be able to not completely suck at growing food.
Also, while I’ve not been able to write as much as I’d like, I have been able to finish another short story for my writing group. I think they might be getting better. That previous sentence is hard to write. But it’s true, and I want to be proud of it.
Finally, I’ve been experimenting with making cheesecake. According to the sources I’ve consulted, cheesecakes are supposed to be devoid of cracks on the top. They also tend to be round. So far, I’ve been able to make them round. I am going to conduct more research to figure out how to stop my cheesecakes from cracking. Some possible culprits could be oven temperature, incorporation of eggs into the batter, and adding corn starch. Cheesecakes are way more complicated than I could have imagined.