Mental illness medication can be the world’s lamest roller coaster ride. Side effects hit me at different times and under different conditions. They get in the way of the little things in life. I’m not sure if it’s worse or not that my life depends on taking them. If I don’t, it can trigger a spike in depressive episodes or just hijack my mind entirely.
So far I’ve been able to suffer the side effects without complaint. The Wellbutrin escapade has changed that for me. I want to get back to where I was before I was on it. I’m not sure if that’s possible.
I’m torn between trying to make do as things exist, and demanding a change in treatment. The latter is my prerogative as a patient. But the former is a known quantity. I know what weird shit will happen on my current drug cocktail. I have no clue what will happen on a different one.
Complacency is a direct product of anxiety. I don’t do it because I’m weighing options. I stick with something because new is terrifying. Change in my youth has engendered a Pavlovian response. It’s not going to change until I can look forward to change.
One important step is going to be accepting the fact that I don’t have an immediate support network for improving my situation. Strangers and people I only know through the Internet are more supportive. Those are the people I need to listen to. I’ll still have worries. But I think I can talk them out here.
Yeah, my mind’s going to go all over the place. It’s a new normal for me. But I can’t just sit there and accept “just good enough” when I need to be looking for the best possible option for my situation. I have data which suggests my current treatments aren’t working well enough for me. To behave as if they don’t exist isn’t acceptable.
More than that, I can’t change for the better without a change occurring. I’m not going to do anything drastic in the short term, but I am going to discuss new options with my doc when I see her next month.