A Lack of Sharing

/ Sirius Bizinus

I had written a post going into my conversion into Christianity, but it ended up being long and meandering and about abuse. Again. I can’t separate the two because my upbringing was central to my religious instruction.

So I’m sitting on it and figuring out if there’s any redemptive qualities that merits posting it. I don’t think there is. Instead, I find myself trapped in the same place. I’m a small kid, seven years old, begging for Jesus to save his ass from hell.

I hope people can understand why I don’t like to share that.

Besides the backlash I’ve gotten in the past, it’s not a place I want to live. I want to move on. But I think there’s something back there I haven’t let go of. It’s something I don’t remember or don’t see or both.

It could be the fact that talking about what I used to believe is still uncomfortable. The weight of it still lingers after all this time. I don’t want to relive it out of fear that it will harm me again. Not in itself, but in how I know others might criticize it.

Until then I feel like I’m blocked from being able to do anything. Yes, it’s a lack of sharing. And sharing is the whole reason to write blog posts. But now a mild explanation is all I have.

4 thoughts on “A Lack of Sharing”

  1. One of my teachers said that everybody claims that examining traumas of the past helps. He didn’t agree. The child abuse you suffered probably has no value as a topic of introspection, because the abusers are involved. They were the source of the abuse, not you. All you can review is your suffering.

    This teacher felt that it was more important to direct your energies in shaping a more desired future. I agree with him.

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  2. “I wonder often about the many people who lived and died before me. What did they learn? Was it important? ”

    Conversely, I find myself wondering what future generations will experience. What will the world look like for my descendents *even for my own sons, because of human caused climate change (AGW).

    But also, assuming we’re able to survive said AGW, what will life be look like given inevitable scientific break throughs. How I would love to time travel into the future!

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  3. Take your time. It takes time to heal. And psychological pains might linger on for long. Keep good company that helps you with creating a new future. You can even invent a better past. The past is, how we remember it is another matter. So make it a better past.

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