Learning How To Be Merciless

Sometimes I feel like I never forgive myself of anything. Little mistakes, big ones, they all end up hanging around in my mind. They’ll pop up in dreams. They’ll pop up out of the blue. Things are going fine and then I relive a time when I embarrassed myself or didn’t hold myself to some random standard.

Life is a series of disappointments in everything. My accomplishments mean nothing. They are just as worthless as I am. The list of things that go on in my head are endless.

I spent a lot of time developing this. It’s an art macabre, a mad science. There’s no consoling myself when I get like this. The whole world could decide I need to be out of it, and I’m okay with the decision.

On some level, I appreciate that I shouldn’t be okay with it. It’s a disconnected feeling, like the person I am is different from the person I see myself as. The reflection in the mirror is a weakling enemy that must be put in his place. How does that even begin in someone? What has to happen to get a person to think like I do?

Can it be undone? Should it be undone?

I have no clue.

6 thoughts on “Learning How To Be Merciless

  1. I believe the operative saying is “To err is human; to forgive divine.” (Alexander Pope)

    So, if this is operative, you can become divine by learning to forgive yourself and those around you. This is easily enough done, by asking yourself the question “Can I forgive A for doing B?” Write each of these down. Answer “yes” or “no” based upon some introspection. Revisit all of the “no” because sometimes forgiveness takes time. To do anything less well organized is dabbling, wishing and hoping you could forgive yourself and others, while doing nothing that could lead to that forgiveness.

    This is why self-improvement is such a bother … it takes real effort, consistent effort over time to tackle each of our foibles. And, a “secret” (there are no real secrets) that will help, is if you are unwilling to do the work, you don’t really care enough for it to even be on your ToDo list. Learning to recognize when you “don’t really give a shit” really helps when addressing what one thinks are our personal problems.

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  2. … oh the time I’ve spent and unfortunately still spend on this.
    It’s a mental mechanism that’s incredibly difficult to control. Each person probably has their own buildup and in my case it’s clearly a “corrective” response. The brain attempting to identify the causal factors for situations that ended up causing negative feelings/psychological pain. If I’d been – smarter, faster, better looking, stronger – would I have been able to stop the situations and circumstances that resulted in the negative feelings?
    The answer in most cases is no. So you do have to fight this. The pain you felt was not the result of your own actions but of the circumstances you confronted in life. Family dynamics, religion, psychological abuse, all completely out of your control.

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  3. Yes. It must be undone, and the answer is Love. You must love yourself. I know, I see myself as worthless, it came back to me this morning, and I count my good qualities to show it a liar or just wait until it goes away. Probably LGBT folk like Pink and me, and people with as monstrous a Christian upbringing as you suffered, are more likely to have these feelings. I see you have wonderful felicity with words, psychological understanding, a strong sense of truth and the value of truth, and emotional intelligence. You are not worthless. See what value you have.

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  4. Sirius, was there ever a time when you felt differently, when life/your image of yourself was more positive?

    In my own life, I think I make mistakes and fail all the time. But, to me, that just says that I’m willing to step out, take risks, etc. It’s only folks who are not continuing to learn and grow that never fail or make a mistake.. or even worse cannot perceive an honest mistake or fault.

    Plus, it’s also a mark of sensitivity in one sense, for us to be aware of our faults or how we might impact others, not a negative thing, if it’s held in a healthy balance.

    What are some things that you’ve done right and are very positive? Well, I can name one right now, hardly knowing you. your willingness to blog, to share, and to be transparent which is also a way of helping others. I’m sure there are many other things as well.

    I’m thanking God for your life, Sirius. I mean it. You have intrinsic worth, purpose and value. All of us do.

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    • Hey there. There was a time when I had convinced myself that I had a positive self image. It had much to do with what I believed when I had faith. Negative thoughts were dismissed as being the product of a sinful nature. Positive image relied on me devoting myself and following through with that devotion to the deity I worshiped.

      I say “convinced myself” because it turns out all of that was just a construct to ignore my underlying problems. My belief appeared to work, but only when I could put negative thinking out of mind. When my belief didn’t work, I relied on practiced efforts to blame other things (like being an imperfect human, or my sinful nature, or anything else I could find in a bible).

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