Years after admitting to myself that I no longer had a faith that I used to hold with a tight grip, I still haven’t fully communicated it to people close to me or that I care about. It’s tough, because I know how they feel about things I care deeply about. It’s awkward, because I know how much they despise the things I care deeply about. In a sense, I hide part of myself because I know how people will react either in person or when I’m not around.
There’s only a few ways people who used to share similar strains of faith can treat someone like me. The easiest is to say I’m a monster, a duplicitous chameleon who is tainted with lies. Maybe my history will be changed for me, to the point that I never really cared or never really was one of them. Or maybe the fact that I never said anything for so long will be taken as shame in what I believe. They could convince themselves they’re in a position to pity me, a wayward soul bound for eternal damnation. Feigning acceptance while lamenting my beliefs behind my back is also an option.
In the back of my mind, I also realize that people might read this if I ever succumbed to a depressive episode. That thought is particularly sickening to me. All they’ll have are the random words of a madman, strung together whenever he was out of sorts, or off his meds, or just plain mental. A narrative about me will form within them, and there’s a good chance it won’t be accurate of me at all.
I’m not a monster for hiding important aspects of myself, though I accept now that it’s out of my hands. To be fair, it never was in my hands. Perception belongs to its respective owner. All I can do is try to convince people to not draw their perception of me in a sinister light.
2 thoughts on “That Moment I Realized I Was The Monster”
Well, that and it is none of their business. That their religion made it their business is part of the big con. Just like in multi-level marketing, each person is supposed to recruit others. The more they recruit the more points they get. The more points, the better chance they have of getting a good servant’s position in heaven.
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When you read the mental contortions of, say, young earth creationists, you realise the mental contortions required for them to say you are a sinner or a bad person who has chosen the devil and you are just proof that their faith is right are child’s play. It’s hard. They seemed to be friends. If they can’t accept you as you are, and honour your convictions, they are not good for you.
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