On a long enough timeline, in any place that I exist, I get this feeling like I’ve stayed too long. That people tolerate my presence. That people are waiting for me to leave. I don’t know why this happens, just that it does.
This feeling has dominated my life for as long as I can remember. The communities and places I go to might welcome me at first. But there always comes that point where I have to ask if I really belong there.
In many ways, this dovetails nicely with depressive episodes. It makes it easy to neglect relationships, to shy away from people. To engage in that isolation which is actually a separation from people who might notice my absence.
Maybe all of this is a symptom of my depression. Or maybe it’s a separate complex that happens to coexist with others. Either way, I tend to disappear first and then explain it away later as something that needed to happen.
I’m Still Figuring Things Out
This is a recurring issue of mine. Identify one misperception out of many, only to discover more hiding underneath. The process is exhausting. I’m never in a state of being, except when my attention span has to be devoted wholesale to a single task.
Sometimes I get tired, but then I come across things that remind me of why I started venting my random musings online in the first place. Maybe it’s a documentary on people leaving cults. Or maybe it’s coming across bad advice for people with mental illness.
I tend to come across many things that remind me of dangerous stuff I’ve had to leave behind. With everything else going on in my life, these things remind me that there are people out there who can identify with what goes on in my head. Although I can’t spare myself much mercy, they can. And that’s something I need but keep avoiding.
My head is all over the place still. Much of this has to do with the circumstances that many find themselves in. I am sequestered from people. This is something I’m familiar with, but it’s not something that’s helping.
To help remedy this situation, I have decided that I need to get outdoors – even in this atrocious cold. I have found a few relatively close hiking trails, and I have used some of my savings to buy hiking gear. I can now do hikes that would take me all day to complete. It is my hope that my mental health will improve.
Amusing Nonsense 
Well, you have not worn out your welcome with me, my friend. I expect this is the case with others. I have trouble fathoming people being sick of you.
Now, get to hiking!
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Fascinating. I used to tell my students that if they wanted to be anonymous (in a theater style classroom) all they had to do was sit in a different seat every day. Most teacher’s memory is geographic and if you sit in the same seat every class I will recognize, first whether you are in class that day or not, and second will come to know you.
You may not want to be recognized (a self-image issue if there ever was one) and one way of not being recognized is to move around a lot. If you recognize your surroundings a bit too easily, it means you have been there for quite some time and people will begin to recognize you.
Is there anyone in your neighborhood or even community with whom you are comfortable. If so, regular meetings over coffee for conversation or some such might ameliorate that feeling. If not, there is nothing wrong with you if you are that way. My partner and I are “self-quarantined kinda-sorta” because of the pandemic but we realized a long time ago that neither of us needs more than the other for companionship, so we are as near normal as anyone is in this odd time we are in.
You sound to me to be someone who would be quite enjoyable conversing with over a cappuccino.
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“You sound to me to be someone who would be quite enjoyable conversing with over a cappuccino.” I concur. I’ve been following SB since long before I started blogging myself. And he’s one of the few I genuinely miss whenever there’s a hiatus in postings.
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I understand how you’re feeling. I think it is a wonderful idea to spend more time outside! I admire you for making the effort even in the cold. I always use that as an excuse in the winter. I want you to know that I miss seeing your posts on here and truly hope you find the motivation to get back into your blogging. I am always here if you need to talk. ❤
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Yesterday we got about a foot of snow. When it was about 8 inches I put on my snow pants, boots, coat, hat an gloves and walked out the garage door. All spring and summer I walked in our yard for exercise and fresh air. I walked down the driveway, waved to a neighbour who’s not quite 2 year old was trying to negotiate walking in deep snow. I smiled. It felt good. Walked right down the street as the snow covered my glasses and I negotiated tire tracks to walk in. Straight down, turned, straight back. I went slowly. I stopped to take in front-yard Xmas decor on the street. I picked up a poppy with the pin still in it at the end of a driveway where our neighbours just had a flat tire and obviously knew nothing about the pin.
I say get out and walk Sirius. I know we often don’t feel like it. I understand even so, that it helps. ❤
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