On a long enough timeline, in any place that I exist, I get this feeling like I’ve stayed too long. That people tolerate my presence. That people are waiting for me to leave. I don’t know why this happens, just that it does.
This feeling has dominated my life for as long as I can remember. The communities and places I go to might welcome me at first. But there always comes that point where I have to ask if I really belong there.
In many ways, this dovetails nicely with depressive episodes. It makes it easy to neglect relationships, to shy away from people. To engage in that isolation which is actually a separation from people who might notice my absence.
Maybe all of this is a symptom of my depression. Or maybe it’s a separate complex that happens to coexist with others. Either way, I tend to disappear first and then explain it away later as something that needed to happen.
I’m Still Figuring Things Out
This is a recurring issue of mine. Identify one misperception out of many, only to discover more hiding underneath. The process is exhausting. I’m never in a state of being, except when my attention span has to be devoted wholesale to a single task.
Sometimes I get tired, but then I come across things that remind me of why I started venting my random musings online in the first place. Maybe it’s a documentary on people leaving cults. Or maybe it’s coming across bad advice for people with mental illness.
I tend to come across many things that remind me of dangerous stuff I’ve had to leave behind. With everything else going on in my life, these things remind me that there are people out there who can identify with what goes on in my head. Although I can’t spare myself much mercy, they can. And that’s something I need but keep avoiding.
My head is all over the place still. Much of this has to do with the circumstances that many find themselves in. I am sequestered from people. This is something I’m familiar with, but it’s not something that’s helping.
To help remedy this situation, I have decided that I need to get outdoors – even in this atrocious cold. I have found a few relatively close hiking trails, and I have used some of my savings to buy hiking gear. I can now do hikes that would take me all day to complete. It is my hope that my mental health will improve.