Anxiety Notes 23 August 2020

Image courtesy of Stockvault.

The other day I was getting ready to head out when I heard someone shouting for me. It’s the kind of shouting one normally reserves for immediate attention. Things have to happen right now. Right. Now.

Turns out the problem was some password information for an account I have nothing to do with. On a computer that I never use. At a time when I’m trying to curb my anxious thoughts.

I ended up heading out early because I could not stick around and deal with all of the emotional cues. There is a part of me that is expecting to receive blame at any moment. Another part of me was trying to figure out how to fix the unfixable just to make the panic stop. A third part was pissed off at everything in that moment.

Just before heading out, the problem is resolved by talking to other people – people who know relevant information and are capable of helping. Now I’m receiving new emergency cues. My presence is needed. Right. Now. To others, the cues are happiness and serenity. Everything is fine. No problems at all.

So I leave, with resentment growing in my brain. It’s okay for me to be worn thin. That’s why I’m there: to be a punching bag.

These things fight for attention over the next several hours. They transfer from one thought to the next. Everything aggravates me in a way that it shouldn’t, and I know it.

I have all of this nervous energy, and it has to go somewhere. The irony is that now I get to do a lot of walking, a lot of talking, and a lot of mental exercise. The thing that was making me nervous is now an outlet.

I am not sure if this is just the storm cloud of energy transferring itself across ideas and moods. Could the exertion be having a positive effect?

Those ideas are not mutually exclusive. Things can help and hurt all at the same time. Outside forces can help one or both along. I don’t get to consciously decide which thoughts grow and which thoughts atrophy.

It’s hard for me not to be disgusted by my helplessness.