Sometimes I feel like I never forgive myself of anything. Little mistakes, big ones, they all end up hanging around in my mind. They’ll pop up in dreams. They’ll pop up out of the blue. Things are going fine and then I relive a time when I embarrassed myself or didn’t hold myself to some random standard.
Life is a series of disappointments in everything. My accomplishments mean nothing. They are just as worthless as I am. The list of things that go on in my head are endless.
I spent a lot of time developing this. It’s an art macabre, a mad science. There’s no consoling myself when I get like this. The whole world could decide I need to be out of it, and I’m okay with the decision.
On some level, I appreciate that I shouldn’t be okay with it. It’s a disconnected feeling, like the person I am is different from the person I see myself as. The reflection in the mirror is a weakling enemy that must be put in his place. How does that even begin in someone? What has to happen to get a person to think like I do?
Can it be undone? Should it be undone?
I have no clue.