The Urge to Destroy

Image courtesy of Stockvault.

Image courtesy of Stockvault.

With depression, one of the things I always have to look out for is destroying important things I’ve made. It’s been a habit of mine since I was at least 8. I get rid of things like I’m jettisoning useful garbage.

What I don’t get rid of are the things I should be getting rid of.

Considering the past year I’ve had, I am concerned because I shouldn’t have had to go through such problems. When they hit, it means that I’m going through an episode. When they hit for a while, it means I’m going through an extended episode. The problem with all of this is that since I want to try to create things to sell to people (stories, to be specific), I’m constantly having to fight the urge to delete what I create.

Perhaps I’ve been making small capitulations to this destructive side of myself. Rather than delete the longer works I’ve labored on, I simply don’t create elsewhere. It’s been useful to my depressive mindset because it allows me to punish myself. After all, I can’t sell books without a social media presence, and I’m not doing all of what I could be to expand that presence. Since I’m trying to do it under my real name, I have every excuse to just not be productive.

Ultimately, this state of affairs can’t hold. Either I get past the anxiety and fear and just throw myself out there, or I drown. Regardless, I need to stop destroying things before they even start.