This blog was supposed to be a repository for things going on inside my head, a time capsule of thoughts in case I ever succumbed to my depression. I keep getting the feeling that it’s garbage for that. Yeah, I’ve railed against things, done some commentary, but these are things I’m against.
What do I even stand for?
Answering that question for the past several years has been tough. Yeah, I’ve devoted a lot of time here critiquing shit I believed in the past. It’s left me with this sensation that I have to be careful talking about things I do believe. What if they’re just as batshit as my religious beliefs? What if nobody understands? What if people think I’m off my meds and become the mayor of Crazytown, USA?
Worse, what if people agree with me? That idea scares me beyond reason. I have no clue why. It’s like I have to destroy such thoughts lest I encounter someone with a like mind.
So I’ve got two things running against me when I feel inclined to share the completely random things I care about. And I can’t tell if I’m right for it, or if it’s part of my flawed head chemistry that’s contributing to it.
I feel like my head is pulled in mutually exclusive directions at the same time. One day I’m trying to bake the perfect loaf of bread. The next, I’m worrying about climate change and assholes with guns. After that, if I’m lucky, I’ll contemplate an existential crisis until I’m half-inclined to go catatonic to get away from it. My mind is a busy place that never stops to ask if I even want it to be that way.
I just now realize I shouldn’t answer this post without answering the question in some meagre way.
Something I aspire to is to see people as Mr. Rogers would have seen them. Everyone is special, and can do things that nobody else can. Meeting new people is an opportunity to find the best in them, not disown them for want of knowing the worst of them.
As far as something I stand for, it’s that it’s really hard figuring yourself out when you can’t always trust yourself.